Shopping Compulsion has a name.

SHOPAHOLISM - but I don't run up my credit cards or spend all my cash before I pay my bills so I cannot be addicted. Excellent. I just simply LOVE to shop and the fact that I go every day is just a pleasurable coincidence. Hooray!

Cheesecake

Cheesecake speeds up your metabolism right? I'm sure cheesecake is a well known diet food. Oh please let me find will power somewhere. Maybe it's because I'm a hoarder and the will power is hidden under the piles of things that I just might need one day. I'll have a look and get back to you about that. I think if I could stop being a big ole hoarder I might feel a bit more motivated too. Having a messy house all the time is a bit depressing.

Meanwhile, the kid has now slept through for 9 nights - woke up for 10 mins at half three last night but other than that she has been going through till about 6am. Very nice. Mind you, I need to learn not to stay up waiting for her to wake up. It's hard because her pattern for the past 7 months has been to wake up about 10 minutes after I go to sleep. She cried out about 20 minutes ago but she has gone back to sleep by herself. If I learn to go to bed earlier I won't be so tired and might feel like going for a walk through the day or something.

I wonder what you call it when you are addicted to shopping?

Sick.

Feel like crap. Poor me. I don't do pain or sick very well. Have to go and whinge to husband in extraordinarily whiney voice until he takes pity on me and gives me a massage. Yeah, I know how to work it. I'll feel better tomorrow.

Accepting Reality

So my friend Julia Gulia comes over today and gives me some of her 'fat' clothes. She has recently lost about 40 kilos. She shows me these swimming shorts and then proceeds to climb into one leg of them to show me how much smaller she is. Reassuringly she says, "Don't worry, they won't fit you, they're giant." Of course you know what's coming, I'm sitting here wearing them now.

Now if you know me you know I'm not short on self esteem, but that I must say took a little bit. But it also makes me think, "If you don't like it, do something about it." Whilst I know all this I still seem to be unable to control myself. It's all this choccolate in the house. Will Power is a man who I just haven't met yet, although I have seen glimpses of him from time to time.

I don't know if this counts as exercise but I have made an effort today. I have combined playing with my daughter, her love of Hi-5 with trying to lose weight. I never noticed till today but most of the songs on the cd she loves are action songs, eg "Jump forward, jump back, touch your nose, jump forward, jump back, touch your toes, jump forward, jump back, turn around, jump forward, jump back, touch the ground. So I acted out all the songs on the cd for her, I think I got a pretty good workout and I scored major Mummy is fun points. Plus I want the pixie to think that exercise is a normal and fun part of life, I struggle with this concept.

It is funny different peoples reactions when you tell them you are trying to lose weight. You've got some people who agree and support you, the people who try to give you advice (which you don't really want to hear), the people who say, "me too" even thought they weigh about 2 and a half kilos at most and the people who say, "Oh why? You're not fat." What the? Are your eyes painted on? Yes I am, you know I am, what are you thinking when you say that? I am classified as clinically obese so I think it's maybe a little bit obvious.

Anyway it sucks, I hate having to try to lose weight. I hate diets, I hate it all. But I know that's a crappy attitude and it has to change. Ok my daughter is telling me off for not paying attention to her so I will finish this later.

Goals? What Goals??

Um, so I have totally failed in both my goals today. I have eaten chocolate and I did not exercise. I did push the pram around the shops for 2 hours so surely that must count for at least one lindt ball? Oh well, I'll try again for tomorrow.

I think I may be a little bit addicted to shopping, I mean you can be addicted to anything right and I am pretty sure shopping is a biggie. Next week I am not going shopping... well maybe once when my niece gets here. And I'll probably need some groceries. So just once really if I do it all in the one day. But that's it. I swear. Mind you with the hubby, affectionately known as Lifts Heavy Things, after a new motorbike, "You know the KTM is my dream bike that I love and adore and I would love and adore you if you let me get one," maybe it's okay for me to shop.

Okay so the goals are now reset for tomorrow. Now I have to go to bed before I eat more lindt balls. mmmm

I have just seen that the matriach has committed to this as well. Okay now I have to do it.

What problems a big bottom can create.

So the other day I locked the kid in the car... most awful thing to happen. She was fine, just looking around at everyone looking in at her and wondering why we didn't get her out. I was getting her out to put her in the trolley and as I stood up to bring the trolley closer I knocked the car door shut with my giant arse. The RACQ came, along with an ambulance and a fire truck with sirens blaring. Believe me the car window was about to be smashed but the RACQ guy flipped my clicker over and pushed the button. He is an angel. My lovely daughter was stuck in my midnight blue car for 15 minutes because my butt is so giant it is out of control. It has a mind of its own!

Therefore the time has come... I must lose weight. For my health... and for the safety of my child. What to do, what to do though. How do I lose 50 odd kilos? Do I spend $440 and join my local gym? Do I brave the cold water and swim around in a circle in my above ground pool, creating and possibly drowning in a whirlpool? Do I walk around the field across the road with my daughter in the pram? Do I use my daughter as a weight? Do I make good use of my exercise bike? What do I change about my diet? How do I change a lifetime of bad habits in order to show my child what is right?

Easter has come and gone now and left behind a chocolate path of destruction in its wake. There are easter egg wrappers around from the kids and a shelf full of chocolate in the fridge, most of it for the kid who won't see any of it because she is only 7 months old. My M-I-L spoilt us and gave me some Lindt dark chocolate balls, drool. I haven't eaten them all but that's mostly because I've been eating rocky road and red tulip bunny. MMM but I know it's going straight to my butt, enlarging it to gargantuan proportions. At least it doesn't stick out as well. Not that there's any hiding it...

I have made it a rule that I do not buy junk food, and that all our meals are home cooked and they're all healthy. I can feel the effects of not putting so much crap into my body, it's starting to feel really good. And I was so dedicated to my walking and then to my exercise bike but I have lost motivation and I don't know how to get it back. I think it's just something you need to approach day by day.

Here are my goals for tomorrow:

1. Don't eat any junk food. Eat only healty food.
2. Do 30 minutes of exercise.

Wish me luck on that, it's hard to break bad habits.