Tuesday, May 12, 2009

I am bogan

Pretty aren't I? This is a picture KittyKat took for me to give to my girlfriend HHML for her birthday, she's going to love it yeah. I think the two men who drove past as I was in the front yard getting the pics taken liked it.

Saturday, May 2, 2009

Like mother Like daughter

The other day I packed some apple pieces into the Pixie's lunch box and sent her off to creche at they gym. When I picked her up the carers told me they had stopped her from eating the apple as she had choked on the first piece. I said no worries and explained that the trait came from me as I have always had a tendency to choke on stuff. LHT kills himself laughing at me as I can choke on water. Anyway we get into the car to go and I am feeling a little hungry. I look in Pixie's lunch box and see the apple there, think "I'll eat that," and pop a piece into my mouth. A few seconds later, I realise that I too am choking on the apple... I managed to get it down but it was a scary few seconds. I don't think I've ever seen the girls at the creche laugh so much as when I told them that!!

I am 14 weeks 6 days pregnant today. At the scan I had the other day I could see the baby's heart beating and its little arms and legs moving around. Very cute. The girl said the genitals were usually up for a boy and down for a girl but I can't examine the pictures on the disc because my cd drive has decided not to work anymore. I have not put on any weight yet but my stomach is visibly bigger. I examine it every day in the big full length mirror at the gym. I am also maintaining my pelvic floor exercises in the hope that it will make the birth easier. TPOD has me doing these things called swiss ball thigh squeezes which just means you squeeze a swiss ball between your thighs... Every time I do them I am hoping that this is not preparation for the birth because I swear to God this kid's head could be as big as that swiss ball!!!

We had friends over for dinner the other night and LHT lit the fire. I decided to go into the shed to the filing cabinet and drag out some paperwork that we didn't need anymore to stoke the fire. FM and I were doing well for awhile till all of a sudden the fire went out never to return. LHT says I am the only person he has seen put a fire OUT with paper. I maintain he just lit a crappy one to begin with.

Monday, March 9, 2009

Up the Mississipee...

If you miss a loop, you're out. The Princess of Darkness has discovered I have a bit of a talent for skipping. When I say talent, I mean, she enjoys giggling at me whilst I jump rope and my fat wobbles all over the place for her amusement. I have been trying to get to 50 in a row, which I finally achieved last thursday, I was pretty happy with it and decided it was even worth the little bit of pee that came out! Oh yes, ha ha ha, make the girl with a weak bladder jump. I told her to just wait until she has babies!!! Mind you she is such a fit bitch she will probably not have bladder issues at all! In a perfect world there would be tena pads available for all fat mums jumping rope at the gym. Hell in a perfect world coffee and chocolate would instantly melt fat from your thighs and bum and add perkiness to your boobies and handsomeness to your ugly husband. The Little Cutie Boy who is this young fellow who works down the gym cut the top of his thumb off when he was cleaning a spin cycle bike. They could not reattach it. SS and I are waiting oh so patiently for him to come back so we can give him a one and a half thumbs up on his performance. Poor bastard, nothing but pain comes of being fit you know!! He is the one who wrote SS's program which I say is pathetic and she says I am trying to kill myself. I have been getting her to spot me on the chinup machine which is SUCH a workout for her since I could barley lift myself today having flogged my arms on the pec fly and pushups. We bought some gloves for weights the other day, running around like Michael Jackson since we got them doing heaps of crotch grabbing and very pathetic moon walking. I am going to pull out the bedazzler and pop some pretty stuff on them. The guy who sold them to us had a distinct, "I can't wait to get you two crazy women out of my store" look on his face. That could have been due to the glove pulling out and trying on frenzy or the two girls running around climbing on his machines and knocking over all his yoga mats. You can always tell people who have no children!! I remember being one of them!

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Everybody Laugh at the Fat Chick

Everybody laugh at the fat chick because she is busy laughing at herself! Arrived at the gym the other day and was told by a fellow gym goer that he can hear Soul Sister and I laughing all over the gym. So my loud booming laugh and noisy self have been noticed, lol, as I suspected. I think my groans are also heard down there too, the Princess of Darkness has me working out on the chinup machine, I have to lift 45kg of my body weight to get myself up there. The harder it is the further my tongue goes out! Soul Sister is fabulous and 'spots' me, which really means pushes my ass up when I am too weak to do it. Lucky for me she's a bit sick and likes touching my bum! LHT has been going down there too but no one has noticed him sans samurai mullet. Honestly I have been trying to get him to grow it back but he seems certain he doesn't want to. He has no sense of adventure now he's an old man!! (37) I have not seen the victim of my crime from the other day, the man I dropped the ball on, he's probably headed over to the other gym where's there's less risk of a loud fat chick scaring the shit out of him. There are two other girls that SS and I have met down there, the Step-sisters. They are fellow pervers on the hotties that sometimes grace us with their presence. We bought some Michael Jackson fingerless gloves the other day for weight work. I am going to put glitter on mine just because I can, tried to convince SS but she says it's not for her, yeah sure, wait till she sees mine. I might go and get some iron on transfers, lol. Can't help myself, a blank space MUST be decorated.

The Pixie looks like a child abuse victim at the moment, she fell down the front steps the other day and she has a big scab on her nose and just under. LHT took her out the other day in a dirty shirt and him in a singlet and he said the checkout chick looked at her like she felt that calling DOCS in would be appropriate. She is becoming oh so independent that she wouldn't let me hold her hand coming down, she learned her lesson though because she has ever since. LHT's grandparents stayed last night and she showed off so much for them that she skinned her knee as well, didn't cry though, too busy playing up to Old Grandma and Old Granddad.

LHT bought two new motorbikes, one for dirt and one for the road. I was bitching and complaining about the obvious unfairness of it all until he presented me with a diet sars today that had a Pandora hanging around it. Very nice, two little charms, a butterfly and an aquamarine one. He tells me I have a birthday present coming too so that will be nice. I can hardly believe I am 31 on Saturday. Hopefully by the time I am 32 I will look better than at 22. We'll see won't we.

Off to take the Pixie to the beach since we are having such nice weather and she loves it so much. Took her the other day and she decided to run away from me and jump in the water at which point she was in over her head. Luckily SS got to her JUST before I did and she wasn't choking cos she was holding her breath (I love swimming lessons) but my heart was still beating about 4000bpm for awhile. I think I might put the baby leash on her in future till she accepts that I am her mother and no amount of running away to join other families or the circus will not change that.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009


Apparently the gym has more hazards than it appears - not just for me but for others. My gym keeps the swiss balls up on the wall behind a bar. I got my favourite green one down today, and in doing so, a red one fell down... onto an older guy doing ab crunches listening to his I-Pod with his eyes shut - right onto his, ahem, personal region. You can just imagine the look on not only his face or my face but also Soul Sister's!!! She was absolutely pissing herself laughing as she came over to see if he was okay and help me put the ball back up without injuring him further. When I put it back, he sat up and waited for me till I was gone. I am probably on his 'people to shoot' list now.
Fabulous news today - fit into a pair of shorts I bought over twelve months ago. Finally fit into them!! Woohoo! Had a delicious lemon crush boost juice to celebrate. I would love to write more but I must must must go to sleep.
PS Tomato Samboys are back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Friday, February 13, 2009

Why you should listen to your mother.

The toilet training is proving to be tiring... but most amusing. Today the Pixie peed on the floor, not once, not twice but THREE times. Each time I had just walked away from her and she went to town, at least the floor got mopped I guess. We made a cake together today, she poured in the mix, added the milk and then I added the egg. We stirred it up together and then put it in the microwave to cook. Five minutes and 30 seconds later and voila, there was our cake. We had to leave it for five minutes before inverting it. In the meantime the Pixie did a poo. (By this time I had had enough of pee on the floor and mopping so she had a nappy on.) I thought I would just pop her onto the loo to finish it off. Sat her down on the little pink toilet seat and then reached between her legs, put her fingers in the poo left on her bottom and before I could stop her and as I was telling her not to... lifted the finger to her mouth and tasted it. I could barely believe what I had seen - I mean I have seen it in dementia patients but the look on her face was absolutely priceless. She started crying straight away and was really not happy about the deed. Straight off to the shower I took her to wash off the residual pee, cakemix, dirt, grime and poo. She was never so keen to let me brush her teeth, poor little girl. God it was so funny.

After I got home from the gym this morning I left her with LHT while I went and had a shower. I got out and here she is coming up the hallway towards me carrying my VERY expensive camera by the LENS CAP!! I called out to LHT that she had the camera and as I walked towards her, wet remember as I had JUST got out of the shower and slipped over in the water I was dripping on the floor and hurt my ankle. Then LHT told me I wouldn't have slipped over if I kept the camera in the case like I am supposed to. Well you can imagine how that went down I am sure, so after a few choice words and a fairly hard thump to his arm he admitted he was quite insensitive - closest thing I get to an apology, lol.

The other day after we had taken the dog for a walk, Macy was back out in the yard and was barking and the Pixie looks in her direction and says, "Stupid dog." My neighbour, My Banrcock Bestie (MBB) and i burst out laughing and she said she had heard me say that to Macy all the time! Which I do because she is SO annoying. Usually the Pixie will give MBB rocks from our garden when she is over but this day she was giving them to MBB's dog Bella. (picture) Bella wasn't really that impressed with the rocks but she did seem to like the pats. The Pixie also asked MBB for the dog lead and held onto it for awhile like she was the king pin. She is being so cute and adorable these days. I am looking forward to showing her off to my family next week.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Not the Biggest Loser

I had my weigh in today - after eight weeks at the gym I have lost.... badada, drumroll please, 100g. Yes you are reading that right 100 measly little grams. Time to get my diet right. I have however lost 2% body fat which still makes me more fat than person but I'm getting there!! I have also lost a cm or more from all the areas that were measured so it is working... maybe it was the scales that were not! After that I worked REALLY hard at my PT session. Last week I wowed myself by jumping rope twenty times in a row, this week I doubled it to 41 before I tripped. I still did the other nine and the second time I only got to 35 before my legs fell off and they had to call a paramedic and have them reattached. Well at least that's what would have happened in the little aside bit I would do if I was a tv show. My arms are definitely smaller, my big giant tuckshop lady arms, my bingo bats, my fedoobadas, the best bit to shake it with, they are disappearing before my eyes! I am really going to try to kick ass over the next 8 weeks, and actually lose some weight. I have been walking in the afternoons as well with the Pixie in a pack on my back and the dog pulling me along, I haven't had a mars bar in weeks! (But the ferrero's from LHT's auntie were pretty dam good, and the wine I've been enjoying with my neighbour - who is btw a very bad influence!!) Right I'm off to make yoghurt.